


hate that you know me

by sonhoedesrazao



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: M/M, a lil dirk angst cause i love it, and a happy ending cause he deserves the world, post-s02e05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 14:37:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12706977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonhoedesrazao/pseuds/sonhoedesrazao
Summary: It was not like he ever believed Todd would think about him the way he thought about Todd. Hoped, perhaps. But not believed.





	hate that you know me

“And then,” Dirk said, “Suzie Boreton turned out to have a _wand_! She’s the one with magic, not Scott, which clearly means he’s _not_ the boy, by the way, so we’re back to square one on that. Anyway, Suzie cast a spell on everyone—“

“A spell?” Hobbs asked, his voice still weak. He was lying in a hospital bed, a detail Dirk was trying to forget because every time he registered it his brain started a litany of _your fault-your fault-your fault_. Thankfully, Hobbs was on his way to recover from… something. No one was sure what. The sheriff had no memory of what had happened to him. Dirk had tried suggesting it was a simple case of amnesia, but the others were certain it’d been magic. _And they’re right and you know it_ , he told himself. “Dirk?”

“What? Yes, right—a spell. As far as spells go this wasn’t so bad, as no one ended in a hospital, which is a relief, though we did wake up an _extraordinary_ headache, but while it lasted it was pretty interesting, we were all _very_ happy, there were confessions of love all around, Todd and Farah even admitted they’d _made out_ while they were on the road, isn’t that crazy? Then—“

“Wait, wait, wait,” Hobbs stopped him, brow slightly frowned. “Todd and Farah are a… thing?”

“Are, were, will be, who knows?” He laughed. “So we were leaving the festival—"

“Wait, wait, wait,” Hobbs said again, and now the look of concern on his face was unmistakable. “Are you okay?”

Dirk’s smile never faltered. It was a good smile, a tried-and-true smile, that had accompanied him through many a terrible event, and if it felt a little forced, he was sure Hobbs couldn’t tell.

“Of course I am!” he said, cheerfully. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

He regretted the question immediately, as Hobbs appeared to be preparing to answer it.

“I mean,” Dirk added quickly, “am I concerned this might disrupt our excellent investigative efforts? Sure. But interpersonal relationships at the workplace _can_  work ou—”

“That’s not what I was worried about,” Hobbs said quietly, lifting a hand to take one of his, which had been gesticulating wildly up to now. Dirk’s words died in his throat and Hobbs’ voice turned even quieter as he added: “It’s okay if you’re not fine.”

Dirk blinked rapidly, swallowing the knot forming in his throat. “I’m great.” And the smile again, though now it took a considerable effort. Hobbs knew it as well, and Dirk just wanted to tell the man to let it go, but that’d only confirm what he didn’t want to talk about.

“It’s a good thing,” he added, with confidence he’d learned to fake a long time ago. “The two of them together. It’s good that they’re happy.” He hesitated. “It might be for the best.”

“What do you mean?”

“They can… protect each other.”

“From what?”

_T_ _he madman who got them into this mess and who might be leading them to their deaths._ Maybe if they started a relationship and eventually left him, they’d be safe from Dirk and the ways the universe moved around him. _And you’ll be alone again_ , he thought, surprised at how much it stung, at how quickly he’d grown used to having people care about him and want him around when his whole life he’d learned to live without them. _I’ll learn again_ , he decided _._ It was more important that they were safe than he was happy.

And it was not like he ever believed Todd would think about him the way he thought about Todd. Hoped, perhaps. But not believed.

He shook his head. Hobbs was staring at him, comprehension in his clear, honest eyes.

“Really,” Dirk said. “I’m fine.”

“Whatever you are,” said Hobbs, “you’re not alone.”

His smile came easier this time.

*

Farah’s board had dozens of pictures and files glued with tape and connected by red string, which was, he had to admit, very cool. Tina was back with at the hospital with Hobbs, and the three of them were still trying to make sense of the latest clues. Farah paced in front of the board, adding post-it notes whenever someone had a new thought, while he and Todd were sitting in the station’s chairs.

The whole thing was something Dirk would normally enjoy immensely, fitting almost perfectly with his own fantasies of what the Holistic Detective Agency would look like. That is, until Todd made a joke that made Farah look at him with a little smile and the two of them shared a look, fast but meaningful, and suddenly he felt as if all the joy had been sucked out of the world.

The third time this happened he found himself speaking and moving before he could stop himself.

“Should I leave…? I should leave.”

“Dirk, what are you doing?” Todd asked when he got up, swiveling in his chair. “We’re in the middle of figuring this out!”

“Yes, but, you see, Todd, I feel like maybe I should… do… something. Somewhere else.” And at their uncomprehending stares, he just… left.

But there was nowhere to go, unless he wanted to bike to Hobbs’ house, since they were driving back together. So he was just standing outside the station in the chilly night air, cursing himself for an idiot, when Todd came after him.

“What was that?” Todd asked simply.

Dirk shuffled his feet, avoiding his eyes.

“Dirk?”

“Nothing, Todd," he said with fake cheerfulness. "I just thought you’d like to be alone.”

“Alone?” Todd asked, with a tone of total confusion. “Why would we want to be alone?”

“Because… of the thing. Between you and Farah. _The thing_.” It was really rather annoying that Todd pretended not to know when only a few nights ago they were telling Dirk about it.

“Wait, you…” Todd laughed next to him. “Is this about me and Farah hooking up that one time?”

“One time?”

“Dirk, we’re not together! We told you.”

“Yes, you told me you were doing _things_ while I was in Blackwing,” which he knew right away was the wrong way to put it because it revealed too much. He couldn’t stop thinking about it—all those tests, the days that blended one into another without hope, his dreams and fantasies of Todd and Farah finding him. And they’d been trying, of course, which was more than he deserved, but also they were enjoying each other while he was alone. While he would _always_ be alone, because that’s the way the universe required him to be, unless he wanted to risk hurting someone he loved.

“Is that what this is about?” Todd asked. “Are you upset that Farah and I… had a thing?”

“What? Upset? Of course I’m not upset, Todd, why would I be upset, it’s _great_ that you two are together!”

“We’re not together!” Todd was practically screaming.

He took a step back. Narrowed his eyes. “You’re not?”

“No. We were just…” Todd sighed. “Tired and miserable and scared. It took our minds off of things, all right? But later, when we’d cooled down, we realized it wasn’t what either of us wanted. That it would be better not to risk damaging our friendship with something that could get complicated.”

“And you don’t… regret that?”

“No,” Todd said, and the certainty in his voice made Dirk feel suddenly lighter, then guilty for feeling that way. “I know it was the right decision.”

“Oh,” is what he managed to say. “I mean, even if you were, it would not be a problem. For the agency.”

Todd smiled a private smile, like he knew something, like he could see through Dirk.

“Even if we were,” he added, “we’d still want you there.”

“Right.” Dirk offered him a small, apologetic smile. “I might have overreacted a little bit. But, um…”

“Yes?”

He hesitated. What was the point of asking, when he’d never have the nerve to ask the _real_ question? But he’d never been good at controlling his impulses.

“So you wouldn’t date a friend?” 

“That’s not what I said,” Todd replied carefully. “If I thought… if I was… _sure_ , then I would.”

“Oh.”

They stared at each other for a moment, under the cover of darkness and the hazy lights from inside the station. Dirk bit his bottom lip, wondering where the moment was going and never wanting it to end. Out here it felt there was nothing and no one else in the world, no deadly mystery, no secret government agency trying to capture him. Just him and Todd, two normal guys having a normal, if stressful, conversation.

“Is there anything else you want to ask?” Todd said finally.

Dirk’s heart almost leapt out of his chest. _Too close. Too dangerous._

“N-no.”

“Do you want to come back inside?”

He nodded.

*

“So,” said Farah a couple of days later, when they were in the cop car laying a trap for Suzie Boreton. They were strike team A; Todd and Tina were team B. “Heard you were jealous.”

“ _W-what_?”

Farah didn’t smile often, but when she did it always looked as if she was enjoying herself a lot. Now she seemed she was trying not to burst into laughter.

“Todd told me,” she said.

“It wasn’t—I was just a little bit uneasy with the idea that maybe I was inconveniencing you two, but Todd let me know that wasn’t the case and…” He stopped and turned to her, horrified. “Wait. Did _Todd_ tell you I was jealous?”

She took pity on him and shook her head. “No. That was just me... interpreting things.”

“Oh.”

“This is when you deny it and say you weren’t jealous.”

Dirk looked at her. Farah had a stare that made suspects swallow every bullshit excuse they’d ever considered saying, and she was using it right now, as if daring Dirk to tell a lie to her face. 

“You’re an incredible cop, do you know that?”

“Hm-hm,” she confirmed, looking pleased. “And you should tell him.”

“Farah,” he said, voice a lot more quivering than he hoped for. “Don’t tell him.”

“ _I_ won’t.” She raised her hands. “None of my business. But he’s not blind, so you should just go ahead and tell him already.”

She turned back to the front of the car. He stared at the house they were ambushing without seeing anything. Suzie Boreton could have come out and cast a spell and he’d be too lost in his own head to realize.

“Do you think…" he tried. "That he could…?”

“Nu-uh,” Farah shook her head. “This is _not_ third grade. Not that I did this in third grade either." She sighed. "Just… be honest. I wish that I’d done that sometimes in my life and now I _can’t_ and it’s not a good feeling, so don’t waste your chance.”

Her father, he remembered. Maybe that was what she was talking about. Or maybe the brother, Dirk was a bit confused about that part. There was a lot Farah didn’t talk about, so really, for her to tell him to open up was ironic.

Not that she wasn’t right.

The problem, he wanted to say, was that it wasn’t so simple. Nothing was simple with him. It wasn’t just the fear being rejected—though thinking about it made him want to curl up in a ball and never move—there was also the fear he _wouldn’t_ be rejected. That somehow, for whatever miraculous reason, Todd felt the same. And then what? He’d never had a relationship, he’d never even had a _friend_ before Todd. What if he ruined it? What if he lost the person most precious to him? And on the off chance he didn’t screw it all up by being a mess of a human being and Todd actually stayed by his side, where would Dirk take him?

But there was no time or words to explain all this, because Farah cut into his thoughts.

“It’s Suzie,” she said, back on mission mode, and Dirk cleared his head. They had a mage to catch.

*

For a while there, it seemed things were taking a turn for the worse. Hobbs got hurt again, they all almost died in Wendimoor, Dirk and Bart were close to being recaptured by Blackwing, and it was all a huge convoluted mess that didn’t leave much breathing room for any of them. Later, though, when Amanda and the Rowdy 3 were back in their world, the mystery solved and Blackwing in friendly hands, and they only had to worry about the small detail of rebuilding their whole lives and starting an actual detective agency, Dirk found himself going back to the question. Rather, he circled it, at first from afar, then, as the days passed and they settled into a life that was almost normal—or what he imagined normal looked like, which didn’t involve deaths and bizarre incidents every day, though it was only a matter of time—he let himself approach it, say it aloud in his mind, test the possibility of actually uttering it. He called Hobbs sometimes. They didn’t talk about it, but the sheriff always made him feel more grounded.

It didn’t happen how he planned it, because of course it didn’t. He and Todd were in Dirk’s apartment, which they’d decided should be _their_ apartment, since Todd’s place was a mess and he didn’t have a lot left anyway since the Rowdy 3 wrecked it. So now Todd was sitting on the couch, strumming his guitar and playing Mexican Funeral songs while Dirk sat on the opposite couch. Ever since Amanda forgave him Todd had been more willing to speak about that part of his past, so Dirk asked him to play his favorites. He was doing that now, and in-between songs he told stories about his days at the band and their adventures—which had seemed so crazy before he met Dirk. Todd was a _phenomenal_ guitar player. Dirk had seen him play once, with Amanda, but never like this, in a small apartment, for someone. For _him_.

For days they’d been opening up spaces for Todd, and Dirk couldn’t help but feel as if it wasn’t just the matter of putting his things to the side so Todd could fit his own, but of making Todd an integral part of his home. Of his life. 

He couldn't help but think there was nothing else he wanted more.

“Todd,” he interrupted one story, “would you go out with me?”

Todd lifted his head so fast he almost dropped the guitar, eyes wide. Dirk’s chest was so tight with tension he could barely breathe. He braced himself. He knew this was a possibility, and he’d survive—he was sure now Todd wouldn’t just _leave_ , which would have been unbearable, so he could handle Todd not returning his—

Todd put the guitar aside, got up and came to kneel next to where he sat.

“Thought you’d never ask,” he said, and kissed Dirk.

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a post-episode ficlet but it got a bit out of control, aaah! Title is from Hate that you know me, by the Bleachers, another song from Max's show playlist. Hope you enjoyed it and you can find me on [Tumblr](sonhoedesrazao.tumblr.com)!


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